I like this, but… use AI to shred it and re edit then modify and reiterate. You need to tell the AI to find every inconsistency and logical leap /shorthand gap and then fix them. The do it again. Most things I wrote now have three to four revisions. Your flashbacks need a better transition and consider t he risk of waking a man like that particularly if he is armed
"There is a hole in the story here, and he steps around it carefully."
Brilliant. It feels like... There's a line in "The Fountainhead":
"Roark knew that Wynand seldom spoke of his childhood, by the quality of his words; they were bright and hesitant, untarnished by usage, like coins that had not passed through many hands."
That's how those words felt, like bright coins untarnished by usage.
Is this a pivotal chapter? We begin to see signs of regret, perhaps the dawning of what might become repentance, though it comes through the dream of disapproval of a former lover. Asad starts to wonder if the love of his life, Leila, might not approve of his killing the son of his slave-master.
IIRC, Asad himself was a little shocked by what he did because he saw the face of the boy as he died. And he starts to realise that, although he did it to hurt the slave-master Mahmud, he took an innocent life, albeit a life that was probably being groomed to become another cruel slave-master, but, Asad is starting to ask himself if that excuse actually hold up to scrutiny.
There's a lot going on here, under the surface of the men's staccato words. Karams's story opens a parralel: the loss of his son that Karam's suffered is what Aad inflicted on another man. "But he was a bad man, so that's ok!" If Asad doesn't buy that excuse, it'll get really interesting.
OK, now for the bad news: "Spity when he talks now." What is this "spity" of which you speak??
yes. He doesn't know what regret is yet. He is learning. Leila's sadness is something he's never seen. This is all part of him changing from animal into human. and yes. His killing of mahmud's son is going to be a big part of this. Seriously. Thank you for reading it and your insight and remarks are fantastic.
I like this, but… use AI to shred it and re edit then modify and reiterate. You need to tell the AI to find every inconsistency and logical leap /shorthand gap and then fix them. The do it again. Most things I wrote now have three to four revisions. Your flashbacks need a better transition and consider t he risk of waking a man like that particularly if he is armed
Yep. Thank you.
"There is a hole in the story here, and he steps around it carefully."
Brilliant. It feels like... There's a line in "The Fountainhead":
"Roark knew that Wynand seldom spoke of his childhood, by the quality of his words; they were bright and hesitant, untarnished by usage, like coins that had not passed through many hands."
That's how those words felt, like bright coins untarnished by usage.
Is this a pivotal chapter? We begin to see signs of regret, perhaps the dawning of what might become repentance, though it comes through the dream of disapproval of a former lover. Asad starts to wonder if the love of his life, Leila, might not approve of his killing the son of his slave-master.
IIRC, Asad himself was a little shocked by what he did because he saw the face of the boy as he died. And he starts to realise that, although he did it to hurt the slave-master Mahmud, he took an innocent life, albeit a life that was probably being groomed to become another cruel slave-master, but, Asad is starting to ask himself if that excuse actually hold up to scrutiny.
There's a lot going on here, under the surface of the men's staccato words. Karams's story opens a parralel: the loss of his son that Karam's suffered is what Aad inflicted on another man. "But he was a bad man, so that's ok!" If Asad doesn't buy that excuse, it'll get really interesting.
OK, now for the bad news: "Spity when he talks now." What is this "spity" of which you speak??
yes. He doesn't know what regret is yet. He is learning. Leila's sadness is something he's never seen. This is all part of him changing from animal into human. and yes. His killing of mahmud's son is going to be a big part of this. Seriously. Thank you for reading it and your insight and remarks are fantastic.
I meant. Spitting when he talks now. Good catch. Thanks.